Single people don’t hate couples

So I was scrolling through my Twitter feed and saw this:

Now, I was an English Literature and Creative Writing major and a high school English teacher once upon a time, so critical reading is basically second nature to me. I may HATE an author’s opinion, but I try to understand it anyway.

I clicked the link with an open mind and was immediately hit by this obviously incendiary title:

Umm, okay. So she wants readers, and comments, and you know, people like me to blog about her so she gets more visitors on her page. The title is meant to catch your eye and make you do that thing Eminem raps about in one of his songs: “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding, he didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?”

I get it. Say something outrageous and just wait for the interwebs to explode with conflict centered around your work. Brilliant.

Except, she writes this inane little piece about how she’s soooo happy with her boyfriend J and she’s soooo annoyed with her single friends and their “single behavior” and they must be sick of her rainbows and roses and so in ruvvv happiness.

First off, if you have to explain over and over again just how insanely Snow White singing to the forest animals full of joy and laughter you are, maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re trying to convince yourself that everything is that perfect. Or maybe it really is, but you’re that girl who can’t just be happy with her man but has to go around making sure EVERY SINGLE PERSON knows it, because that’s what makes it real for you, showing off instead of sharing your joy. Yes, there IS a difference.

Did you ever think that maybe your single friends don’t want to hear you “ooze” happiness as you say, not because they’re jealous, or in a different place in their lives, or don’t get it like you sort of smugly think, but because you just ooze a little too much? I mean, even the verb you chose is sort of gross and overdone in the images it brings up. Open sores ooze. People in love gush. Gushing is cute, oozing is something best left for pus and other such unstoppable, disgusting things.

But hey, you want to talk about the love of your life CONSTANTLY and you want to ooze out the details just so nobody ever forgets that you. are. in. love? Okay, go ahead. Just don’t get concern and advice mixed up with scorn. You write that you’re annoyed some of your friends worry you’re moving too fast. Honey, that’s called friendship! Friends are the ones who tell you that new haircut makes your ears stick out or you have snot hanging out of your nose or hey, I’m so happy you’re happy but please be smart. Be careful. Maybe go a little slower. It’s not that they don’t get it. It’s that they care so much about you, with your gushing and your oozing and your tra-la-la mentality that they want to make sure you don’t get blindsided and you don’t get hurt. Because frankly, you sound like you could easily be hurt, and that’s not a judgement against your coupledom, but an opinion based on how much you feel you need to “ooze” about it instead of simply being comfortable and secure in loveland.

And you are right about one thing. Sometimes friends grow apart. Sometimes even the best relationships end, but guess what? Your friends are saying that that’s true of friends, boyfriends, and even marriages! If you’re really as mature as you feel you are, you can accept that fact and realize that some people are only trying to get you to acknowledge it by advising you step on the brakes a little. You don’t have to do what they say. They might be wrong and this really is THE guy for you. If they’re real friends they’ll look out for you AND be ecstatic for your happy ending.

You can be friends with both singles and couples, with the happily ever after in love and with the happily solo, passionate about something else. And those women who are genuinely annoyed with your relationship or your career or any other personal success? Frenemies darling. The very definition of the term.

Okay, so maybe you have some real friends and some jealous, competitive frenemies, I thought. And then I got to this little snippet of pure judginess:

Hi. I am a 30 year old single mom. I am a Disney/Hollywood/Bollywood love-loving romantic, full of idealistic notions and career goals. I spent my 20s on a “serious love” that turned out to be a hell of a lot more serious for me than it was for him. We singles do not all hook up or go out every night or act like we’re teenagers until we find a mate to settle down with and settle our unstable lives. People like to do millions of things that have nothing to do with living a party scene, whether they’re in a relationship or not, and I’m sure your friends have much more to tell you than just that. But some people do like all that party all night, every night stuff and hello, plenty of them are social both before and after coupling up. Why are you so judgy of those who do? Maybe you don’t want to listen to them?

I haven’t given up on love and I don’t get bitter when my friends find it. I have three weddings in my family this summer, two weddings of friends, AND my best friend’s engagement. She’s told me all about finding the man that makes her heart skip a beat and had me grinning because he makes her so gleeful. All three of my closest friends in a mom’s group are now happily pregnant with their second children, glowing that pregnancy glow that’s a mix of sweat and pure joy.

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I’m overjoyed for all of them and all of the great things happening in the lives of the people I love! I wish all of these relationships more and more love and God’s blessings to remain intact and get stronger with time. I wish all of the moms health and sanity and easy deliveries and the magical chance to sleep once in a while! Just because my marriage ended doesn’t mean my friendships need to dissolve. Just because I have one amazing kid and am nowhere near redoing the newborn thing, doesn’t mean I can’t love all the rounded bellies and eventual little balls of huggable goodness. I would be a very selfish person if I made it all about me.

And that’s where I think your problem truly lies. You come off as this selfish, self-involved woman who doesn’t seem to believe her friends have anything else going on in their lives other than “random, crazy hookup stories” OR you have been so very very unlucky as to never have made a real friend, ever. I feel sad for you either way. I make amazing memories with friends who are single and friends who are in relationships, with people who have kids and those who never want to parent. We get coffee or a meal, go to movies and the mall. We go out in groups where I may be the only single one or the only divorced one or we’re all single and NO ONE CARES. We have fun. I hang out at the park for a playdate or attend a girl’s night out or a mom’s night out and it’s all the same, because I enjoy the lives and stories and experiences of all of these amazing people I choose to surround myself with. That makes me ooze happiness.

Here’s the thing. You say you’re a grownup ready for grownup things like serious relationships and all, but you’re making a huge, childish mistake if you allow yourself to ostracize and let go of a friend just because you two aren’t doing the exact same things at the same time. It’s time to really grow up and be able to love your life and your friends’ lives in a mature, caring, sensible manner. You’ll experience much much more that way.

Variety really is the spice of life, honey. I should know, I’m all about spice.

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