To start all over again with someone new, to learn all over again how to play the back and forth game of smile and tease and discover and delight…
to know who to trust…
AND TO BE GOOD AT IT…
it’s a scary thought.
How much does he need to know about the girl I was?
How much of that girl changed, and why-
Is that necessary to explain? To detail the many hard choices my heart made to protect itself?
Or does that leave me vulnerable and exposed to a new level of pain?
How simple it would be to just not try to be with anyone ever again.
To just close my eyes instead.
To dream of moments when I’m light and airy, free of the weight of heartbreak and solitude and self-starter, up and comingness and responsibility.
To just be a girl
laughing with a guy,
dancing through the night,
waking with a feeling of joy.
Dreams are easy to experience. Easy to enter into and exit from, unlike reality, where it’s always a bit messier.
The mess- passion, misery, letting someone know you better than you know yourself.
Giving him the power to use that knowledge against you…trying to believe he won’t.
The thing is, I had already begun living the “rest of my life” with a man. Shown him my most hidden self, the silliest, the sexiest.
He didn’t deserve it.
And I don’t WANT to start all over. It takes so much effort and time!
It takes so much…
I’d rather do that with myself. Learn about me, give myself the knowledge of the deepest parts of myself so I have the power to control my OWN destiny.
Maybe I get lonely sometimes, but my heart is telling me I don’t want a relationship right now.
I don’t want another mess.
That’s not to say I’m forcing anything. There’s more than one way to be light and airy. I can enjoy myself, my time, my work and my daughter. And along the way, if someone makes my heart feel it’s worthwhile to let a little mess in, I won’t stand in the way.
For now, THIS, knowing this and accepting it, is enough.
And when it’s enough, there’s no reason to yearn for more.
Funny how the heart learns to reason with the passage of time and the overcoming of injuries. But I guess that’s what growing up is…
right or wrong,
respect for how it all FEELS.
Listening to the voice inside that lets you know when it’s time to let go…
Accepting that you’ll know if it’s ever time to try again.